My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?