Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
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When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Lmbo
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed