A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
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I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?