[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
I don’t know what to do
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall