Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
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Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!