EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
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Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
oh you wanna fight?!
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations