Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
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Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
A new level of troll.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed