When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
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Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Name another movie that mislead you?
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”