Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
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The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
my professor scared me for a second
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I camp so other people don’t have to.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]