People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
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[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Dune (2021)
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Hit me in the face with a bird
Matt Goss
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain