*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
This is amazing.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”