I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
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I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
The internet is full of many things
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
who will stop them
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Can’t, holding a grudge
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Uh oh…
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it