Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR