i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
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Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
getting groceries
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬