4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
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Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.