My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*feels the wind in my toe hair
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body