Best seat on the street 😍
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What a year we’ve had this week.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
what
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..