My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
You Might Also Like
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.