*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
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Lol.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.