One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
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It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
☠️☠️☠️
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.