[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
You Might Also Like
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks