Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
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People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts