I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
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I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
whenever i wake up before my alarm