*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
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Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.