every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
sry
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.