you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
You Might Also Like
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.