It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
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*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.