I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”