Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.