Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham