Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
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ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow