Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
You Might Also Like
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.