[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
You Might Also Like
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill