[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
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Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
SF is the wild wild west man