Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo