Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
respect
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.