Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
You Might Also Like
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.