My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
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You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Snapes on a plane.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.