*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.