I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?