Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.