If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
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I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Just a bush.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
This dude got his own movie?
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.