[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets