My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.