Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
*serious situation*
My brain:
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.