I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Anime is real
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no