Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years