Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
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Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I’m aging like a fine banana
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??