I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
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Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent