I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
This kid will have a bright future.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.